He's in my dreams

I keep thinking about him. I keep dreaming about him. I have these vivid moments where I'm caught between conciousness and slipping off into sleep. I keep seeing him in these moments when I can't quite break free and wake up. I keep seeing my reaction to hearing that he is dead. I keep feeling that horrible sinking feeling, that heaviness washing over me as I realize that I'll never see his face again.

I hate the fact that something inside me still wants to see his face. After so many months I am still drawn to him. Something inside still wants to be near him. Something wants to go back to the way things were two years ago when we first started to fall in love. Everything seemed rosy-colored and exciting.

Now I feel I've managed to wrap myself so tightly around him that I don't know how to break free from him without the rest of me unravelling in the process. It's been months and still he has this hold over me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to move on. But, that seems the typical reaction of most people who go through heartache. I'm sure I'll move on. I just never expected it to take so long. I never expected to feel the lonliness for his arms, his scent, his presence, to wash over me so unexpectedly and so heavily that I feel like I might be crused under the weight of my want for him. I feel trapped in my need for him. I know I can never go back. I don't want him back simply becuase I know my life would turn out nothing like I want or need. That's partially a lie. Something inside still wants to be with him.

I love him. He's the only man I have ever loved. I miss when I would go weak at the knees (quite literally) when he would kiss me. I miss the butterflies that would flutter all around my stomach at the sight of him. I miss him. I could go on forever about the things that I miss about him. So I'll end here before I get too wrapped up in my memories.