I've been back home with my family for over a week now. Every time I come back to this place I think I've had enough healing to be able to handle it. Every time, I find out differently. I've been able to keep my feelings stifled until yesterday when I caught I brief glimpse of the man I onced loved. It I was being honest, I have to admit that I still love him.
His name is Zane.
I don't think I've ever mentioned that fact before. His name is Zane and I'm still in love with him. But, he's not the man for me. That much I know, but knowing that fact doesn't ease the pain of my heart. After I saw him, I felt my heart collapse on itself in that same horrible pain I felt when my heart was first broken.
I've only caught a glimpse of him twice since I'm been back home and every time I've even seen him for the briefest of moments, I've had that same heartbreaking pain wash over me that I've felt ever since my heart was first torn in two. It's been nine months now since I've even had a conversation with the man, and I keep wondering how much longer it's going to take to finally be over him. How long does it take to move on? How long does it take to find healing from a broken heart?
I'm ready to go back to school and find something, anything to distract me from my thoughts of him. Coming back to such a small town it's impossible to avoid conversations or glimpses of this man. But, part of me doesn't want to avoid it. I still want to see him. A huge part of me longs to be in his company again. To hear his voice, to feel his strong arms wrapped around me again. But, even if I had that for a brief moment, I know it would only make me crave more. Even knowing that it would make it worse, I still want it. I want him in my life. I want him near me. How do I move past this? How do I move on? I know I've only had nine months to get over him, and it's not much in comparision to a two year relationship. But, I sometimes feel like I'm never going to be able to move past him. Past us. How do I move on?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
She dreams wild dreams
I once knew a man when I was a young girl. His name was Billy. I only have vague memories of this man. Only glimpses of this person who walked into my life for a brief moment in time. And one day, he disappeared from my life. I barely noticed. I was too young and not close enough to him to notice.
Then one day, I got a call from my sister-in-law who claimed she had just met my future husband. Billy had come back into town for a day and managed to track down my brother and sister-in-law. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I didn't get to see him. For some reason, I was out of town. But, my sister-in-law was sold on him from the beginning. When she first talked to me about him over the phone, I didn't think anything of her claims that he should be my husband. I laughed and said I was sorry I missed him. I was sorry to not see him, it would have been good to catch up. But, somehow, my sister-in-law's words got stuck in my head. Now, with something like five years having passed since that day, I find that I still think about Billy.
I don't know when he became someone that I daydream about. Sometime, over the years, something in my head has elevated him to my dream man level. Even when I fell in love for the first time, Billy would still creep up on me. I remember having to stifle the thoughts that would spring up in my mind of him. I always considered it ridiculous to daydream about a man I hardly know and haven't seen for years. In my mind I've put all my hopes of what the man I marry will be like. It's so strange and even ridiculous really. But I still can't seem to help the thoughts that come to my mind. He's become my hope for the future. After being so wounded and hurt, I've made him into something that washes all that away.
In reality, nothing will ever happen between Billy and me. He's got a girl back home in Tennessee, and I'm in Texas going to school. The chances of us ever meeting again are slim. A part of me wants to see him just so I can see him for who is really is and not for the man that I've created in my mind. A part of me wants to see him so I can fall madly in love with him. But, really, we'll both live out seperate lives and he'll be the man that I compare every other man to until that day when I somehow meet a man who matches up. Everyone has their standards. I've just attributed those standards to a actual man.
Then one day, I got a call from my sister-in-law who claimed she had just met my future husband. Billy had come back into town for a day and managed to track down my brother and sister-in-law. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I didn't get to see him. For some reason, I was out of town. But, my sister-in-law was sold on him from the beginning. When she first talked to me about him over the phone, I didn't think anything of her claims that he should be my husband. I laughed and said I was sorry I missed him. I was sorry to not see him, it would have been good to catch up. But, somehow, my sister-in-law's words got stuck in my head. Now, with something like five years having passed since that day, I find that I still think about Billy.
I don't know when he became someone that I daydream about. Sometime, over the years, something in my head has elevated him to my dream man level. Even when I fell in love for the first time, Billy would still creep up on me. I remember having to stifle the thoughts that would spring up in my mind of him. I always considered it ridiculous to daydream about a man I hardly know and haven't seen for years. In my mind I've put all my hopes of what the man I marry will be like. It's so strange and even ridiculous really. But I still can't seem to help the thoughts that come to my mind. He's become my hope for the future. After being so wounded and hurt, I've made him into something that washes all that away.
In reality, nothing will ever happen between Billy and me. He's got a girl back home in Tennessee, and I'm in Texas going to school. The chances of us ever meeting again are slim. A part of me wants to see him just so I can see him for who is really is and not for the man that I've created in my mind. A part of me wants to see him so I can fall madly in love with him. But, really, we'll both live out seperate lives and he'll be the man that I compare every other man to until that day when I somehow meet a man who matches up. Everyone has their standards. I've just attributed those standards to a actual man.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Love lost
I have to leave. I cannot stay in this place and risk seeing him. What courage I had has been utterly spent in ending this. I do not have the courage to see him yet. One day, soon enough, I will see him again. But not yet, not now. I cannot face him now and not give in. All my strength is gone and I cannot risk falling back into him. I cannot and will not be that woman, but I have to find my strength again before I see his face. So I will leave to face him another day.
It is so surreal, so easily deniable. I cannot quite face the whole of what has been taken from me. A year of my life was spent in him. I do not have a place or a day where some part of him does not linger. He has touched every moment for a year, and even his friendship goes back as far as two. I cannot comprehend having all those moments facing me yet. Even the smells of the seasons bring him to my mind. Certain smells, certain places, and certain faces all hold him. My life for a year was spent in him. My dreams, my life, revolved around this one man who somehow made me believe he was more. I never doubted him when he told me he was through. I never doubted; I defended him against others' doubts.
Was I wrong in trusting him so much? Even now I can't believe I was. No relationship can be built off anything less than trust. But, my trust in him has been broken. I could never trust in him again like before. When he used to hold me in his arms, somehow all my fear would disappear in his strength. He was so strong that nothing could touch me in that place. Those arms were such a comfort, and somehow they calmed me regardless of what anxiety I was having. His arms made me come alive. How could that ever be had again? It was my trust in him that created that safety. Now that trust has been broken and even if he wrapped me in his arms, those arms would not be the same. That place of protection has been torn by him.
I don't understand. This man who told me I was the woman he wanted to marry, lied to me by omission. This man who said he wanted to spend his life with me kept his secrets of another life he was trying to live. He feared to tell me for fear of losing me. Yet, he has lost me. How did he so deceive himself to believe that he could have both? Why did he believe that he was ready for this relationship, for marriage? How did he know me so little to not know that this would be the end result if he continued down that path? He knew me so little, thought me different than the woman I am, or he didn't care.
It doesn't matter at this point. He has shown me who he really is. He has proven how little I mean to him. I deserve better than such a lack of love, but even I write that it is no consolation. The facts do not ease the pain.
To believe in him so much, to trust him so, to see in the best of men, to have so much faith in the person I thought he was, only to be proven wrong has made me feel I have died. I feel as though my heart has been carved from my chest. I am hollow, I am empty.
Somehow I keep wishing all this will disappear. I feel trapped in that false hope that all of this will fade away to just him and me again. I am hiding from the pain. It leaves me wondering if the distance we have spent away from each other throughout the summer was beneficial to the present situation, or if it contributes to the denial. I'm so accustomed to not seeing him for long periods of time and I wonder if that face delays my acceptance of what has happened. Yet, on the other side I am fully aware that I would be even more in love with him then I already am if our times of separation had been spent together. Which is worse? To be unable to accept the reality of what has happened because there's no ground to put it in perspective, or to love this man more than who I already felt held all of me?
I still love him. Even in all my anger and hurt, I still love him. I can't just fall out of love. It would be so much easier if, through willing it, everything would just vanish. That I could no longer love him, that I would no longer feel this pain and emptiness. But, even as I write that, I know it's a lie because whether I knowingly put it there or not, I still have hope all the same. How can a love lost not hope to be regained? But, it can never be regained, not like it was, not with him.
It is so surreal, so easily deniable. I cannot quite face the whole of what has been taken from me. A year of my life was spent in him. I do not have a place or a day where some part of him does not linger. He has touched every moment for a year, and even his friendship goes back as far as two. I cannot comprehend having all those moments facing me yet. Even the smells of the seasons bring him to my mind. Certain smells, certain places, and certain faces all hold him. My life for a year was spent in him. My dreams, my life, revolved around this one man who somehow made me believe he was more. I never doubted him when he told me he was through. I never doubted; I defended him against others' doubts.
Was I wrong in trusting him so much? Even now I can't believe I was. No relationship can be built off anything less than trust. But, my trust in him has been broken. I could never trust in him again like before. When he used to hold me in his arms, somehow all my fear would disappear in his strength. He was so strong that nothing could touch me in that place. Those arms were such a comfort, and somehow they calmed me regardless of what anxiety I was having. His arms made me come alive. How could that ever be had again? It was my trust in him that created that safety. Now that trust has been broken and even if he wrapped me in his arms, those arms would not be the same. That place of protection has been torn by him.
I don't understand. This man who told me I was the woman he wanted to marry, lied to me by omission. This man who said he wanted to spend his life with me kept his secrets of another life he was trying to live. He feared to tell me for fear of losing me. Yet, he has lost me. How did he so deceive himself to believe that he could have both? Why did he believe that he was ready for this relationship, for marriage? How did he know me so little to not know that this would be the end result if he continued down that path? He knew me so little, thought me different than the woman I am, or he didn't care.
It doesn't matter at this point. He has shown me who he really is. He has proven how little I mean to him. I deserve better than such a lack of love, but even I write that it is no consolation. The facts do not ease the pain.
To believe in him so much, to trust him so, to see in the best of men, to have so much faith in the person I thought he was, only to be proven wrong has made me feel I have died. I feel as though my heart has been carved from my chest. I am hollow, I am empty.
Somehow I keep wishing all this will disappear. I feel trapped in that false hope that all of this will fade away to just him and me again. I am hiding from the pain. It leaves me wondering if the distance we have spent away from each other throughout the summer was beneficial to the present situation, or if it contributes to the denial. I'm so accustomed to not seeing him for long periods of time and I wonder if that face delays my acceptance of what has happened. Yet, on the other side I am fully aware that I would be even more in love with him then I already am if our times of separation had been spent together. Which is worse? To be unable to accept the reality of what has happened because there's no ground to put it in perspective, or to love this man more than who I already felt held all of me?
I still love him. Even in all my anger and hurt, I still love him. I can't just fall out of love. It would be so much easier if, through willing it, everything would just vanish. That I could no longer love him, that I would no longer feel this pain and emptiness. But, even as I write that, I know it's a lie because whether I knowingly put it there or not, I still have hope all the same. How can a love lost not hope to be regained? But, it can never be regained, not like it was, not with him.
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